I had a restless night not only because my leg was letting me know it wasn't happy, but also because I was chewing over whether I really wanted to get back on the trail or not. There is a very big part of me that is ready to go home and it's not because the trail can be tough or that I don't think I'd make it.
I know I can make it, I've already proven it to myself. I know I am strong enough and brave enough and stubborn enough to make it through. The questions I am trying to answer are 'Do I need to?' or 'Do I need to right now?'
I am struggling because I am not a quitter and if I stop it feels like a definite 'DNF'. I've been talking about coming home after the North Island with friends and coming back to do the South Island another time for a while now, but I'm actually feeling that I might be ready to come home now and that maybe my journey needs to head elsewhere for a while.
But I would miss my trail family a lot.
I'm keen to do some art and while I anticipated being able to draw everyday on the trail it hasn't worked out like that. I've carried those pencils every step of the way and looked at them every time I set up camp or got my journal out. A bit like a puzzle that I hadn't been able to solve but hadn't given up on.
I want to see my old dog. I want to dead head my roses.
I've given myself until tomorrow morning to decide. We walked around the Wanganui shops and I opened some of those little books that have those motivational quotes - most unhelpful. The first one I opened to a blank page, the second to a quote that said I had the talent to follow my dreams.
I asked the teller in the blank and she just chuckled. Pete said whatever decision I make is Ok by him.
As I said - most unhelpful.
I spent the afternoon rechecking my notes, I have some big distances in my plan that probably aren't realistic so rejigging in my head and rather than an impossible 5 days, probably about 8-10 days left of walking to get into Wellington. Also thought a lot about what more can do to get weight down and what I can send home.
If I went back on the trail.